Blackmail and extortion

Local news article from the ‘Folly Times’

Thursday, 30 September 198—

Snail terrorises garden for years

A family has taken Dinky, its pet snail, to court accusing it of leaving threatening voicemails and engaging in acts of environmental terrorism in their garden.

Dinky, which was acquired by the Diagram family two years ago, was initially kept in an exclusive and carefully constructed area within their perfectly diagrammatic garden. However, not content in its flawlessly delineated patch, Dinky hatched grandiose ideas to extend its dominion over the entire garden. It began waging a systematic campaign of terror not only on the Diagrams but also on the rest of the plant and animal life of the garden. Blackmail, intimidation and extortion were used in order to subdue and oppress the various resident worms, caterpillars, and mice as well as passing guests such as robins, bees, butterflies and grasshoppers. Extensive modifications of the statistical graphics, maps and technical illustrations within the garden as well as sabotage of equipment, such as saturating the garden shears with foul-smelling mucus, were undertaken in order to confuse the Diagram family, and render the garden inaccessible to them. Finally, Dinky resorted to leaving threatening messages on the Diagrams’ voicemail. ‘We got particularly scared when Dinky began threatening us with the destruction of our arbor trellis if we didn’t get out of the house’, said Mr. Herbert Diagram.

The local court is currently investigating the case. If charged, Dinky faces 10 counts of psychological warfare against nature and 17 counts of garden terrorism.